Friday, June 25, 2004

GMA Proclaimed! Truth Takes a Six-Year Vacation

Gloria, as your final step before we allow you to run this country,
you have to take a lie-detector test. Uh, yes -- it's sort of like uhm, Meet My Folks.
Only in this case, if you turn out to be dog, the Filipino people can't pretend to have a headache and bail. Hey, you really like dating shows, don't you? (Sardonic laughter. And by the way ,will someone please come up with a better way to transcribe sardonic laughter other than with "Hehe" ?)

So, if you're ready...

(Suspenseful music wells up. Cut to shot of Gloria caught trying vainly to morph her smirk into a concerned look.)

Tell me, Gloria. does your complete name have Pidal anwhere in it?

- No

Ok. Did you ever try to sleep with Big Business, Corrupt Kingmakers, and Crazy Cabalists?

- No

(Very Gravely) Now tell me -- did you cheat in the elections?

(Suspenseful music grows to a crescendo. Heartbeat sound effects are heard. Cutaway shot to Gloria. Dramatic pause)

- No

(Music swells. Cut to shot of polygraph needle. Cut to extreme closeup of Gloria)

Unbelievable! The needle did not swing as wildly as it did when Lacson vowed never to enter politics. Much as I hate to say this, it appears you were, ulk, telling the truth after all. Congratulations, you passed the polygraph test. We proclaim you as President of this Mussaenda Republic.

(Cut to Gloria grinning broadly as she goes around the room shaking the hands of Big Businessmen, Corrupt Kingmakers and Crazy Cabalists)

Thought Ballon Hanging Over Gloria:

Bwahahaha! Suckers! Suckers all! Darn polygraph test was freakin' easy to cheat. Didn't they know that all you need to mess up its result is to deliberately strain yourself and work yourself up to a state of extreme stress, whereupon you let go and relax? If they only knew that I simply puckered up my you-know-what with all my might during the first two control questions and then released it before I answered that biggie...

Did they really think I would let the Philippines go to the dogs by allowing FPJ to win? Heck, they should be falling prostrate before me and thanking me for risking my eternal soul cheating just so the Philippines wouldn't suck big time at at APEC summits like we did with Erap. Bwahahahahaha! Now, where's Mike Defensor? I need him to sign me up for The Fifth Wheel.