Thursday, May 27, 2004

Humbug! It's Bah-lentine's Day!

***Written a couple of V-Days ago***

When Valentine's Day swings around, as it mercilessly does year after year, every one of us is supposed to be in nirvanic bliss while wrapped
in the arms of our loveydoves. Right?

But tell me, without any trace of b.s., do you know of anyone who actually feels even moderately blissfull whenever VDay unceremoniously arrives?

Not the millions of people unlucky enough to find themselves WITHOUT
warm bodies beside them during this trying time. Heck, it's bad enough
that they have no partners, but the media also has to make them feel
like subhumans fit to be recycled into biscuits. I mean, if you're single and all you see on television are cheeeeeesy Valentine's Day specials with images of
hot-to-trot couples ready to rip each other clothes at a drop of a hat, Valentine's Day becomes about as fun as undergoing an open-heart surgery.

You think people in relationships have it any better? Ha ha. How fun is it to be brainwashed again and again by the media to BE A GOOD LOVER and to buy this and buy that and to go for a date here or go for a date there. The subtext being: You don't blow some dough, You are a bad bad lover and that you should be thoroughly guilty of your inadequacy and that you should go hang yourself.

But supposing you cracked and you did give in to the commercials, and have
decided to troop to the nearest mall to get your loveydove a gift, you think
it's smooth sailing from then on?

No way.

Now you would have to summon all your available strength to fight the growing sense of corniness welling up inside you as you see other guilt-ridden people crowding the store. As you all awkwardly and embarrassedly check out cheesy Hug-Me Bears and even cheesier I Trust And Love You giftwrappers, you find yourself
handcuffing your own limb to a railing to keep yourself from running out of the store in shame.

Oh you're right, there are indeed people who are extremely happy during VDay. And these are Sylvia who owns a flowershop, Henry who has malls all over the darn place, Fe who sells jewelry, Larry the restaurateur, and Albert with the lady who says SHHHHHHH.

So what do we do to these heartless opportunists who cash in on this cornball occasion at our expense?
Well, apart from pulling them by the hair and dragging them into the streets --
let's make them listen to Peabo Bryson and Air Supply all day.

That'll learn 'em.

Gotta go now, have to pick up a Hug-Me Bear before you buy them all up.